Thursday, April 14, 2011

Contentment (Phil. 4:11)

      Second to last time.  Second to last time.  Almost done!  Just one more.  Andrea kept telling herself as she smiled politely at the nurse hooking up her IV.  It was her second to last chemo treatment.  She could hardly believe it was almost over, but it was still hard to think that she would be starting her recovery soon.  Her hair would grow back and she wouldn’t be nauseated and tired all the time.  And still, the one final treatment still seemed like a huge hill to climb.
     “There you go, sweetie.  That vein was pretty easy to find this time.”  The nurse patted her arm lightly with a self satisfied smile.   Andrea found it interesting that the nurses always blamed her when it was hard to find a vein, but they took all the credit themselves when the task ended up being easy.  “We’ll start you on your pre-meds now.”
     “Thank you.”  Andrea called after the nurse who had turned to go to the pharmacy.
     It was time to pop in the movie.  She’d brought one of her favorites, Moulin Rouge.  Andrea had been falling asleep during her last couple treatments so she figured watching something with great music would be kind of soothing if she fell asleep.  A couple treatments ago she’d fallen asleep while watching Psycho.  The music and the creepy voices didn’t really make for good dreams.
     As soon as they hooked her up to the Benadryl, Andrea felt her eye lids get heavy.  She seemed to react to it quicker and quicker each time. 
      Sitting up straighter in the cushy cream colored chair, she turned up the volume of the headphones attached to her tiny T.V. screen.  She wanted to stay awake as long as possible.  It was always discombobulating to wake up in this place. 
     One of her least favorite nurses finally brought over her first bag of treatment.  She’d been there two hours already, and she wanted to get this over with. 
     “Name and date of birth.”  The nurse demanded.  She was the oldest nurse that Andrea had seen in the office.  Instead of being the grandmotherly type that one would hope for in a place like this, this lady was more of a nurse Ratchet.  The nicest she ever got was when she was being condescending.
     “Andrea Quinn, December 23rd 1982.”  She responded while the old nurse hung the bag of chemo without saying another word and walked away.
     Andrea couldn’t help it; she started to doze off again.  She was pretty good at catching herself when she started to doze.  The motion of her head dropping down to her shoulder or chest usually woke her up.
     This time, it felt like her head had just dipped down when she started to wake up again, but she didn’t hear any of the Moulin Rouge music.  Maybe the movie was already over.  She must have dozed longer that it felt like.
     Andrea opened her eyes to something she couldn’t have even dreamed to expect.  She looked out in front of her to see a meadow filled with purple flowers dancing in the wind.  “What…?” 
     She looked around her.  It was the same thing everywhere, surrounding her.  A meadow encircled by trees.  The noxious smell of chemicals and disinfectant from the chemotherapy room was gone.  In its place was….freesia!  One of Andrea’s favorite scents.
     Looking down at herself, Andrea saw that she was still in the cream colored recliner from the hospital.  The IV was still strapped to her arm; the pole with the solution hanging was connected to it. 
     Bringing her arm up to look at the IV closer, she had an idea.  Without giving it a second thought, Andrea plucked up an edge of the tape holding the needle into her arm and ripped it off as quickly as she could.  It stung for a second, but when Andrea looked down all she could see was a little red area where the adhesive had irritated her skin.  There was no hole, no blood, nothing. 
     Still holding onto the tape, she inspected it.  What she had in her hand was a sticker.  It had a needle painted onto it, and the tube that lead to the pole holding the solution was painted on until it attached to the actual tube.
     Eyes wide, Andrea inhaled deeply and held it for a second.  She wasn’t sure what was going on.  Where was she?  What was she doing here?  How the heck did she get here?
     It took only a second of fear and questions racing through her head before Andrea snapped out of it.  She used the deep breath she was holding to let out a loud, throaty hoot of excitement as she launched herself off of the cream chair and started twirling around the meadow.
     Something else hit her as she spun.  She didn’t feel tired anymore!  She felt like she could run across the entire meadow for days without stopping.  To prove it to herself, she started running.
     Andrea reveled in the warm flowery scent of the meadow.  The smell of pitch from the surrounding trees mixed with the fresh flower scent.  It reminded her of early summer when she was a kid.  She’d lie in the grass of her backyard, looking up at the sky and think about all of the potentials that the summer months held. 
     A bright green grassy spot was ahead of her, and she dove into it so fast that she picked up momentum.  She ended up landing in some of the flowers.  Laughing at herself, Andrea rolled into the grass and looked up at the crystal blue sky.  Taking another deep breath she called out, “Thank you!  Wooo!”
     She wasn’t sure how long she lay there, looking up at the beautiful sky and watching the birds flying around above her.  It seemed like a long time, yet no time at all.  The sun hadn’t moved.  It was at the perfect angle, still bright but not enough to irritate her eyes. 
     Andrea moved to put her hands behind her head and froze.  As soon as her hands were clasped underneath her she felt…was it possible?  Sitting up quickly, she whipped her head around.  It was true! Her hair was back! 
     Her rich auburn, wavy tresses cascaded over her shoulder and down her arm.  It was as long as it had been before she’d started chemo.  How had this happened?
     Looking down at her hair, she noticed that her clothes had changed from what she had been wearing before.  One of the many pairs of sweats she’d been living in for the past 7 months had been replaced by her favorite pair of khaki Bermuda shorts.  Her feet were now covered in the converse shoes that she had hidden in a special spot up in her closet because her toes had become too sensitive to wear them.  The navy blue zip-up that she’d lost when she was a teenager during a football game at school cocooned her like the hug of an old friend.  Andrea couldn’t help but gasp and laugh in delight.
     If she’d missed her change in clothes and the fact that she had hair again, Andrea concluded that she hadn’t been paying enough attention to her surroundings, so she decided to investigate.  As she stood up, she felt a sharp pain in her stomach and heard a gurgle.  It took her a moment to realize that she was hungry.  She hadn’t been hungry in months.  Placing her hand over her stomach, she smiled.  Even though it was uncomfortable, being hungry was quite a treat.  It made her feel human again.
     Andrea looked about and noticed that at one edge of the meadow, there was an open space devoid of trees.  There was something there; she guessed it was a boulder.  It seemed to mark what looked to be the end of the meadow.  She jogged in that direction, enjoying the movement of her legs and the feel of her lungs working. 
     Just a few yards away from her destination, Andrea realized why there weren’t any trees.  This side of the meadow was actually a cliff.  She could hear the roar of water and wondered if there was a waterfall nearby.
     Finally reaching the boulder that was waist high, Andrea hopped onto it to look out in front of her.  She was a little shocked and very pleased to see that beyond her meadow was the ocean.  The water was bright and clear, the breeze cool.  It had been far too long since she’d made a trip to the coast.  She sat on the boulder and watched the waves lapping in and out for a time.
     Another pang and gurgle from her stomach interrupted her reverie.  Regretfully hopping down from her perch on the boulder, Andrea decided that she should at least look around to see if she could find anything suitable to eat. 
     Taking one step to her right, Andrea’s foot caught something.  She looked down to find a tin pail next to the boulder.
     “Interesting.”  She muttered to herself.
     Opening the pail, she found a box of rice crackers, a tin of sardines, and both a small and large container.  Since she’d already snooped that far, Andrea figured it wouldn’t hurt to keep going.  The smaller container was cool to the touch.  When she opened it she saw it housed a cheese spread.  The larger had a note taped to the cylindrical top.  In scrawling, beautiful letters, it read, “Please enjoy.” 
     “I will, thank you.”  Andrea smiled.  Taking off the top, she sniffed the liquid that was inside.  “Green tea.”  She mumbled.  These were all some of her favorite snack foods.
     Taking the pail with its contents, she hopped back up on the boulder and started making little sandwiches with them.  She nibbled on them and drank the tea while she watched the ocean in front of her.  It reminded her of a time when she’d gone horseback riding on the beach with her brother and aunt when they were little.  They’d spend the day racing each other and seeing how far they could go into the surf on the horses before one of them cried uncle.
     A noise to her left made Andrea jump.  She looked over and saw a white horse looking right at her, walking her way.  It looked exactly like a horse she’d had a picture of on her wall as a child.  His mane was long and stringy, a little more yellow than his coat, with flowers and bright green leaves stuck in it.  They looked to be woven in, but it was more likely that he’d walked through some foliage and took parts of them with him.
     Andrea had a few crackers left.  She held one out to him, clicking her tongue.  “Hi boy.”  She coaxed soothingly.  “Want a cracker?”
     His ears twitched to the side and then back at her as he kept walking, getting closer and closer.  When he finally reached her, he quickly ate the cracker held out to him, a bit of spittle running down his chin.  He made a deep whinny as thanks.
     “You’re welcome.”  Andrea said back, reaching her hand out to let him sniff it before she started to pet him.  They were there for a while, snuggling together; Andrea on her boulder, the horse practically laying his head in her lap. 
     At one point, the horse raised his head and moved so that he was blocking Andrea’s view with his back.  “Hey!”  She laughed, trying to sound indignant.  “I can’t see.”
     The horse didn’t move.
     Andrea got an idea.  “If you don’t move soon, I’m going to do something you might not like.”
     Again, he didn’t move.
     “Alright.  You asked for it.”  Andrea stood up on her boulder and moved to slide on the horse’s back.  Usually she would never try something like this, especially right next to a cliff, but this place wasn’t like normal places.  It gave her confidence to do what delighted her.  There was a distinct lack of worry and any form of fear didn’t last long.
     As soon as she was on the back of the horse and had a clump of his mane gripped in each hand, he started moving slowly at first, but gradually getting faster.  They raced around the meadow for a little bit, looping around the cream hospital chair that was still in its spot.  Then, the horse turned and headed into the trees.  They looked dense, but they were able to maneuver their way through the large firs without any difficulties.
            She wasn’t sure where they were going, but she didn’t care.  It wasn’t long before they reached one of the most beautiful things Andrea had ever seen.  The horse was taking her to a dirt path that lead through a thick patch of cherry trees, all bursting full of pink blossoms.  The slight breeze scattered them through the air.
     “Beautiful.”  Andrea breathed.  The horse had slowed down and was walking now.
     As they made their way into the beautiful, nature-made cherry blossom archway, Andrea raised her arms up into the air, face up and smiling, letting the blossoms bounce off of her as they fell lazily to the ground to be picked up again and swirled back into the air.  By the time they reached the end of the pathway, both Andrea and the horse had blossoms scattered all over in their hair.
     They stopped and looked out between the cherry trees to the scene ahead of them.  Lush, healthy grass grew up around a shimmering pond.  A large cluster of rocks on one side hosted a little trickle of a waterfall.  The area was nice and shady from thick willow trees surrounding it, their long boughs swaying in the wind.
     “Lovely isn’t it?”  A gentle voice asked from Andrea’s left.  She jumped a bit in her seat.  For some reason she hadn’t expected to see anyone in whatever place this was.  She was surprised to realize that she was angry to see another person around.  In her mind, she’d claimed this place for herself.
     Peering at him, she saw that he wasn’t much to look at.  A skinny young man with shaggy mouse brown hair that fell over his eyes stood at an unimpressive height surprisingly close to Andrea and the horse.  He wore a nondescript white t-shirt with nondescript jeans, and even more nondescript tennis shoes.  The young man was completely unimpressive, but for some reason just looking at him calmed Andrea’s anger.  It felt very right for him to be there.
     As she continued to stare at him, the young man looked up at Andrea.  Flicking his hair out of his eyes with a shake of his head, he smiled at her.  Meeting her eyes with his unimpressive brown ones, smiling with a mouth full of slightly crooked teeth, she couldn’t help but smile back.
     “Lovely, no?”  He asked again, cocking his head to indicate the pond scene in front of them.
     Andrea looked over at it.  Her eyes stuck to the water, the calm and peacefulness relaxing her even more.  She wanted to go and jump in.  To swim and splash.  “I’d say that’s a good word for it.”
     The young man laughed warmly.  “Hey.”  He said, getting her attention.
     “Yeah?”  Andrea looked down at him and saw a mischievous smile on his face.
     “I’ll race you.”  He said as he took off toward the water.
     “Crap!”  She laughed as she slid off the horse and started running after him.
     He didn’t go very fast, but he had enough of a head start that it seemed there was no way she would win.  That is, until he started taking off his shoes.  His shirt had already gone flying as he ran, but taking off his shoes tripped him up.  He even fell at one point, laughing as he wedged the shoes off his feet.
     That gave Andrea enough time to catch up and even pass him.  She was only a few feet away form the water when she kicked her converse off without any problem, the socks getting caught up in the motion and flying off her feet with them.  Then she ran the last few feet and launched herself into the pond, tucking into a cannonball and making a big splash.
     The water was nice and cold, swirling around her.  It was crystal clear enough that she could see as well as feel the young man when he finally made it into the water.  She was on her way up as he was still diving down. 
     When she broke the surface she took a deep breath and then sank into the water until only the top of her head and her eyes were showing.  It was only a few seconds later when the young man popped up too, laughing and shaking the soaking hair out of his face.  He started to swim over to Andrea.  When he got close enough, she popped the rest of her face out of the water and spit a streaming mouthful right into his face.
     “Really?!”  He asked as he sputtered and used the pond water to wipe off his face.
     “Um, yeah.” Andrea laughed at him.
     This started an epic water fight.  When they were done, Andrea crawled onto the pile of rocks to lay in a bit of sun trickling into the clearing.  The little waterfall trickled next to her.  The young man found his own spot of sun in the grass and stretched out there.
     Andrea soaked up the warm sun while it dried her clothes and hair.  It only felt that she lay there for a few minutes, but she was dry.  It occurred to her that wherever she was in this place didn’t really have a sense of time.  It seemed like she had woken up in the meadow days ago; had sat looking at the ocean for months.
     Thinking of those instances made her remember all the details about them.  She fiddled the blossoms in a lock of her hair as she realized that each event had been the epitome of happiness for her.  One wasn’t better than the next, but each was ultimate and supreme; it couldn’t be topped by anything.  She didn’t long to go back to those places though, it had been enough, satisfying.  It had been perfect.  As now was perfect, and the next moment was going to be perfect too.  It was something she couldn’t wrap her mind around.  Her brow furrowed as she tried to rationalize it.
     “You’re troubled.”  The young man said from his sunny spot.
     Andrea rolled onto her stomach and perched on her forearms to hold herself up so she could look at him.
     “I just don’t understand.”  She said to his sprawled body.
     “Yes you do.”  He told her, not unkindly.
     Andrea stayed as she was for a few minutes thinking about it.  The concept of not longing but still being joyful and full of adventure and hope and even peace was the most foreign idea she could imagine.  She’d always been a bit discontent in any situation, looking to the future or thinking about the joys of the past.  It was one of her greatest flaws.  Whatever “now” she was in was never good enough.  Yet in this place it was.  She had no regrets of anything she could thinking of, and could be content lying in this spot forever.  Or not.  She was just…content.
     “I suppose you’re right.”  She replied.
     The young man laughed again.  “Of course I am.”
     It was some amount of time later, or lack of time, that Andrea felt something on her left big toe.  She looked behind her and saw the white horse who was flopping his lips on her toe.
     “Oh hello horse.”  She said as she climbed up from her position and moved to where her shoes were.  After tying them, she went over to the horse’s side to pet him.
     “Do you need help up?”  The young man said right next to Andrea, startling her again.
     She nodded.  “Thanks.”
     He cupped his hands and bent down so she could step in them and then hoisted her up.  After he did that, the young man walked over to the pile of rocks she’d been laying on.  The horse followed him and stopped in just the right spot for the young man to mount behind Andrea.
     No one said anything as the horse retraced their steps back to the meadow filled with purple flowers.  The day was finally getting darker.  It gave a new hue to everything.  It gave everything an older, timelier feel to the still beautiful landscape.  Like the presence of an elderly family member.  They’d seen so much and learned so much.  They are at the end of their lives, but it isn’t sad or regretful.  They’re still lovely in their worn and pleasant way.
     When they reached the field, the young man slid off the horse and held up his hand to Andrea.  She took it and let him help her dismount.  Their hands stayed clasped as they walked through the meadow.
     The slight crinkling noise underfoot as they walked gave hint to the fact that some of the flowers had started to die and dry out.  With each treading of her foot Andrea could smell the lavender and other flower’s sweet perfume in a ripened, more mature way compared to when she had first arrived.  It was beautiful and comforting to her.
     The length of the field seemed ever expanding, like they’d walked forever but neither had picked up a sweat or felt any blisters on their feet.  Then, in what seemed like a second and yet three lifetimes in the strange way the world here worked, Andrea and the young man were standing in front of the cream hospital chair.
     The young man turned to Andrea, grabbing her other hand in his free one and gently helped her down into the chair.  As soon as she touched it, Andrea could feel her fatigue seeping back into her body.  It felt nice to rest in such a comfortable chair.
     The young man reached to the side and caught the tube of her IV, tracing it down to the sticker.  He placed the sticker gently on her arm, back over the area that was still a bit red from the adhesive before.
     Then he kneeled down in front of her.  Looking into her eyes intently, he leaned forward, cupping her face in his hand, holding her hand in his other.  Just a breath away from her face he stopped and said, “You understand.”
     Bracing herself to move despite her sudden fatigue, she was able to manage a small nod and breathed the word, “yes.”
     The young man smiled his warm smile at her again and leaned in further, kissing her gently but firmly on the forehead.  He moved away slowly, rubbing her cheek with his thumb in comfort as he moved.
     Andrea couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer.  A faint headache had started and was increasing by the second.  Her last image of the young man was his blurry smile as he knelt in front of her, still holding her hand.  His smile stayed in her mind as she sunk deeper into her medicated sleep and her nostrils were assailed by the smell of chemicals and disinfectants.


Sunday, April 3, 2011

Saturday? Double Shot? It's go time!


If you’ve read much of my blog, you’ll know that I’m not a fan of going and getting coffee for several reasons.  Because of that particular blog post, a co-worker of mine decided to take me under his wing; first instructing me and then testing me on the different kinds of coffee, and then going with me to a coffee shop just down the street from our work.  I’ve become a little more comfortable with coffee now because of his help, (thanks Garrett)!  
Never the less, I’ve come to discover that it is even better if coffee is brought to me, as it was done yesterday by my wonderful husband.  As I cooked breakfast, he dashed down to the coffee stand by our apartment and got me a fantastic candy flavored deliciousness of a coffee called a grass hopper.  Iced.  With a double shot.  YES.
Did I mention that I don’t drink coffee very often?  I’m not sure what I was thinking getting a double shot, but it shouldn't surprise anyone that after I finished what I can only describe as liquid heaven, I had quite a bit of energy...for HOURS.  I went for a 5 mile jog/walk, finished my philosophy homework, did laundry and ran errands.  Then my poor kids, Ashitaka and Aquinas, had to deal with their Mam disturbing things around the house like a tornado. 
Ashitaka AKA: Ashi, Mashi, Little

Thomas Aquinas AKA: Poopie, Poop

The kids know me well enough to understand that I’m crazy.  Get a little energy in me (which I haven’t had in a while) and I go a bit bonkers.  What they aren’t used to is me going in and completely destroying their world.
We’ve been struggling to keep Ashi’s food away from Aquinas because he will Hoover it down in about five seconds if he gets to it.  So, Ashi’s food has been moved to the dining room table (don’t worry, it’s mostly used as a very disorganized desk for me, not as an actual place where we eat), and Aquinas’ food is on the floor.  The Poop still manages to get to Ashi's food sometimes, as evidenced by chew marks on some of the books, but overall the system works pretty well.
Going on with the story, I decided that before I did my homework, I was going to clean up the table (which is supposed to be the husband’s job), and then maybe I’d move stuff around a bit.  The table used to be right underneath the counter of the kitchen.  My caffeine fueled brain came up with a horrifying vision of the animals getting on the counter, Aquinas finding himself in the sink, and Ashi turning on the garbage disposal on him.  Obviously, it is my job as a Mam to make sure this never happens.  
So, here’s the change:
The book shelf and the table switched places. OMG!

    This apparently wasn't ok with the kids.  Well, actually it wasn't ok with Aquinas.  This is the sequence of events after the big move:

Mam!  What did you do?!  I am SHOCKED (and feeling insecure).
Life is not worth living.  I give up!  (Did I mention I'm feeling insecure?)
Aaaah.  Big brother Mash and our favorite blankie makes things all better.   Insecure?  I don't even know what that means.
     This trial finally over, I figured the drama was over.  The Poop was sleeping, Ashi was enjoying his favorite pass time of smothering him, and I was all set to get my homework done.  LIKE A BOSS.

     What I'd forgotten to anticipate was the reaction of the husband:
If you're wondering, that's a mix of wonder and horror (he's not that good with change either)...
Sounds like another job for Super Mashi!  (A kitteh's job is never done).

After I finished with everything for the day, it was time to make dinner.  By this time, I was going crazy.  I was so physically tired (remember I jogged...JOGGED!!...I had a good reason to be tired!).  I was having a hard time moving and I really didn’t think I was going to be able to move enough to make dinner.
I was also going even more crazy than I was before.  Everything I did had an inner monologue to go with it.  Lucky for me, my sister puts up with this stuff very well.  The only way I was able to finish cooking was by sending her pictures explaining what I was doing and giving her the inner monologue of it all.  She thought it would be fun to put the recipe and pics up on my blog.  So, if you want a great recipe for scalloped potatoes, here it is (sans the worst parts of my monologue...I spare you that)!


Easy Scalloped Potato Recipe!
8 oz. cream cheese
1/2 cup sour cream
3 lb. red potatoes thinly sliced
1 cup chicken broth
Green onions
8 oz. shredded cheddar cheese
Whatever the crap you want!
HEAT oven to 350°F. 
Slice the potatoes...like a BOSS!
Mix the sour cream, cream cheese, and chicken broth until well blended. 

Add everything together and gently stir until everything is coated (very intense work).

Spoon into baking dish (13x9 inch), sprinkle with cheese, and bake for 1 hour.

Not as fun...cleaning up afterward. :(

Finished product (I will not take the blame for the upside down picture)!
EAT!  (Again, like a BOSS!)

Friday, April 1, 2011

F-Cancer: A Sober Post

         I’m a little nostalgic right now.  Today is a very exciting day for me.  Not only is it the second anniversary of something for a friend of mine, but it’s also the second anniversary of my original doctor’s appointment where I started the process of finding out I had cancer.  Or, to put it more honestly and in my friend’s words, it’s the second anniversary when I started to f#@* cancer.  Rock on!
         For everyone who doesn’t know the story, here it is!
         First, the only reason I remember the day is because it was the official day that my husband and I moved into our current apartment.  We were doing a quick preliminary walk through with the rental manager and then our plan was to run over to urgent care afterward.  It was the only evening that my husband and I had off together.  We weren’t too happy about spending an hour or two at the hospital and we almost just skipped it, but our church had given us the money to get in to see a doctor (we didn’t have insurance at the time), so we decided to get it over with.  
You see, by that time I’d had a really bad ache in my chest for months.  There were nights where it would hurt so bad I couldn’t sleep and had a hard time breathing.  I thought it was probably a strained muscle, so I would get up in the middle of the night and go take a bath in scalding hot water hoping that would help.  Sometimes I’d have to sleep holding a pillow tight to my chest to kind of dull the pain.  It wasn’t my favorite thing ever.
A bump or raised area started to build up to the left of my sternum that would sometimes turn red or even a purple-ish color.  I still thought it was a strained muscle that probably just kept getting aggravated.  We didn’t have insurance and we were in a really bad financial spot we were trying to dig ourselves out of, so I just put off going and seeing a doctor.  What could they do for a muscle strain anyway?
My pastor and his wife insisted that I go and see a doctor when they heard what was up.  They gave us the money to go in.  I felt so bad about taking the money, I prayed the entire time I was in the waiting room of urgent care that there was something legitimately wrong with me so the money wouldn’t have been spent in vein.
I had to tell a couple people why I was there when I was being checked in.  Just telling them that I thought I had a strained muscle in my chest and there was a colored bump there, I got a few eye rolls.  I had no fever and the bump was barely noticeable that day.  A couple times I almost got up and walked out.
When I finally got to go back to a room, a young doctor poked his head in.  He looked about my age, possibly a little younger, and he was a little skinny guy.  I was already changed into one of those flimsy paper gowns by then.  As I talked to him, explaining what was going on, he started to frown and it quickly deepened. 
The doctor tentatively asked if he could feel the bump that I had.  I couldn’t help but laugh because he was a doctor!  Of course he could feel it.  I also found myself apologizing because it was a lot smaller that day than it had been recently.  I didn’t want him to think I was a hypochondriac.
After checking out the lump, he told me he wanted to do some blood tests and he’d be sending in a nurse to take care of that.  He’d be back after he checked out the results.  So I had my blood drawn and texted my friend while I waited for the results.  My husband sat in the corner of the room playing games on his phone.
About twenty minutes later the nurse came back in and took some more blood.  I wasn’t sure why until the doctor came back after another twenty minutes.  He leaned himself back against the counter of the sink in the room and looked a little too serious.
The doctor came right out and said that according to the blood tests they had run twice, I had a high white cell count.  That information along with the bump on my chest made it looked like I either had leukemia or lymphoma. 
Everyone that I’ve talked to who has had cancer said that this was the freak out moment.  Some people’s lives flash before their eyes, others felt like they were going to throw up or that the world had dropped out from underneath them.  This didn’t happen to me.  There were two things that I thought simultaneously; thank God it wasn’t just a strained muscle, and how the hell were we going to pay for all of this?  I think I’m a robot or something.
The doctor told me that he saw I didn’t have insurance.  Because of this, he was going to run as many tests as he could while I was there because he was afraid I was going to let this go.  He also said that he was going to send all of my information to my doctor as well as the Willamette Valley Cancer Institute so that they could be in charge of making sure I got things taken care of.
That night, I got my first IV ever for my first MRI ever.  I’ve always been afraid of needles, but this was pretty painless.  The lady who did it was very sweet and talked to me about the Bridge Program that the hospital had to help people financially.  She explained that MRI’s are pretty expensive, so I really needed to take advantage of it.
My First IV!
Hand IV!
I've lost count of what number this one was.
The MRI was actually pretty fun.  We were able to catch the people right before they went home (it was pretty late by that time…there went the idea of being at the hospital for only an hour or two).  The lady that worked the machine was extremely sweet.  We had a fun conversation and as I was leaving to go back to my corner of urgent care she got very serious and told me that I was too young and too sweet to be sick. 
That statement kind of threw me.  I wasn’t sick.  Even if I had cancer I wasn’t sick.  This was also the first time out many that I heard this statement.  Each time I heard it I wanted to scream, “I’M NOT SICK!”  But I knew that they meant well and didn’t realize that my kind of cancer was just a nuisance, it wasn’t a disease.
It was very late by the time that we left to go home.  During the time we were there my husband just sat and played his phone games.  He didn’t even seem like he heard what was going on.  I finally talked to him about it about a week ago, wondering what his deal was.  He said that he figured it didn’t help to get upset about any of the stuff we were hearing, that we would get through it one way or another.  He also knew that if he didn’t occupy his mind, he would start freak out.  I absolutely understand.
What got me through that night was texting with my friend.  We joked and shared some fun stories that night.  I’d rather crack jokes than get too serious about things and my friend is the same way.  It was perfect.
My other friend, who worked at the hospital, started her shift around the time that we were leaving.  I let her know that we were there and she was sweet enough to pick up some food for us.  That helped more than I can express.
The next day was a bear of a day; fighting with my regular doctor’s office who refused to do anything for me because I didn’t have insurance anymore.  Even trying to get all the information sent over to the WVCI from the hospital took forever because of my regular doctor’s refusal to help.  With the help of my Mom and my boss, things finally got sent through.
Two months later after two different biopsies (that have very fun stories to go along with them which I may tell at some other time); I was finally diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma.  I had my first PET scan on my 25th birthday (happy birthday to me) where I found out that I was in stage two. 
My Sweet Biopsy Scar (People kept asking me why I'd put tape on my neck)
The PET scan also showed why I’d been having pain and swelling in my chest.  A lymph node under my sternum was backed up with fluid and swelling to about three times the size of what it was supposed to be.  This shoved any excess fluid back into my chest where it culminated and swelled, hence the bump.  As for the pain, that was because the swollen lymph node was pressing up against my sternum and bending it, giving it what they called “sternal sclerosis.”  Ow.
My oncologist (whom I call my “Wilson” after the oncologist on “House”), is absolutely great.  He let me finish spring term for school before we started chemo.  I opted to have a catheter put in during this time because it was so hard to find my veins.  For my first treatment we put in the catheter, did a bone marrow biopsy, and then went ahead with the chemo.  Afterward I went to Target with my husband and shopped around for a bit.  It was a pretty good day.
Later that day...yes, those are tubes coming out of my chest.  (That catheter didn't last long).
The only time I cried about the whole cancer situation was that first night after urgent care.  I found myself lying in bed trying to figure out how we were going to pay for everything.  I’ve still never gone though a mourning period about having cancer.  God took care of that and finally gave me peace over the financial situation as well.  We had a lot of help including a program through WVCI and the Bridge Program through Peach Health.  There were also some anonymous donations to us and a fund raiser both through my work and through my family.  God used the people and programs around me to get us through everything.
Many things strange happened during the every other week for four months chemo treatments.  They are really good stories, but it would take too long to write about them right now.   All in all, it was an adventure that I am extremely thankful for.  I couldn’t have gotten through it without my Savior, my husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers, and my doctors and nurses.  I am so blessed.  That’s why this anniversary makes me excited rather than depressed.  Janna, you’re right; it was two years ago that I started to f#@* cancer.  Like a boss.  Hodgkins Lymphoma is my bitch.  BAM!
The Mams and I for my last procedure.
BONUS PIC!  Bald Me.