I am prepared (at least I think I am) for some of you to be kind of irked at me after this article. I’m going to be completely honest and try not to hold anything back, so if you don’t want to know too much about me, please feel free to skip this post. I won’t mind. J
I would like to think that I have a pretty good sense of humor. I like to laugh, I love sarcasm, and I’m a pretty big fan of jakes in general. That being said, I have recently been acquainted with a new term that I absolutely despise: “chubby chasers.” It’s possible that it’s been around for a long time and that I’ve been sheltered from it previously, but it is all over the television now. Most often as a “joke.”
The show I was most surprised to hear it on is one of my new favorites, Psych. The term was followed up by another character asking, ‘they actually have those?” As if it’s beyond comprehension that anyone would find a “chubby” person attractive. God forbid, eh?
I hate to be one of those people who blame everything on the media, but there is a little something to that. I’ve still never heard this phrase used in regular conversation, but I have heard it a few times on television. I also have a few friends whom I can see using this, and it really bothers me. Isn’t there enough out there that promotes people feeling bad about their size (whether big or little), and everything about them? I swear, you can’t win no matter what size you are! Magazines and entertainment shows will write/say hateful things for people being large, glorify them for losing weight and then turn around the next day and say that they’re too skinny and look disgusting. Oh, and FYI…America sucks because everyone’s fat. Be ashamed!
I freely admit that I am 100% absolutely “chubby” (at least). I know this and anyone who has seen me knows this. It’s something that I’ve been incredibly embarrassed about since kindergarten. It’s one of the reasons why I have a bit of a social phobia. I often don’t want to go anywhere because I don’t want people to have to look at me. Oh don’t worry, sometimes I absolutely think I’m super-hot! That’s because the “me” in my head is about 7 sizes smaller than I actually am. But when I realize that this isn’t so, I want to curl up in a ball and hide.
I’m a big fan of my husband for many reasons (I guess I’ll keep him). According to the term’s definition, he is a “chubby chaser.” I was definitely smaller when we started dating (let’s admit it, we both were), but I was still “chubby.” He was very very skinny, and as much as he denies it, still is! And yet he has always found me attractive. He chastises me when I start to make fun of myself because he thinks I’m amazing and hot (dude, his words, not mine).
I often tell people that I’m lucky to have him because he doesn’t mind my size, and everyone agrees with me. I react to his praise by thinking, “oh, he just loves me so that makes him blind to the fact that I’m so gross.” Yet I’ve begun to realize, he doesn’t find me attractive despite my size, and he doesn’t “just get past” that fact. He freaking loves everything about me. Crazy isn’t it? There must be something wrong with him! …or there may be something wrong with everyone else for thinking that being a “chubby chaser” is even a thing that needs a label. I’m a person. I have a body. My husband tends to enjoy said body. Huh. What’s the world coming to?
So, as I mentioned before, I’ve always been super self-conscious, and a lot of it comes with my size. I am embarrassed that I’m so big. Although it seems like it should be the opposite, I feel like less of a person. Why should people ever listen to me, being the size that I am? What would they get out of being my friend? I know this is absolutely ridiculous, but sometimes you can’t help how you feel.
I don’t blame this just on the media. A lot of it was the world in which I grew up. I grew up with someone who said that the only prejudice she has is against fat people. After high school, I gained about 20+ pounds. I was starting to feel as though there was something odd going on with me and my family that I couldn’t put my finger on. I understood what it was when my sister and I were talking one day and she told me that my parents were worried about me with the size that I was. That hurt, and it hurt bad. So I started to work out and watched my calorie intake. I mostly ate popcorn, corndogs, and SlimFast because they were quick, easy, and it was easy to keep track of the calories. I lost 30 pounds, but I’m pretty sure I became even unhealthier than I was before.
My family could not stop talking about how great I looked and how amazing it was that I lost the weight. Other members of my family told me that I looked good at that particular size and should try to stay there. It made me feel good, but also a little embarrassed. If it made such a difference with my family, how did other people who didn’t have to love me see me?
There was one time in my life that I actually felt good about myself and liked the way I looked. I wasn’t even the skinnies that I’d ever been, I just felt good and I liked what I saw when I looked in the mirror. A few months later, I was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma. One of my first thoughts when diagnosed what that I would lose weight. I was actually excited because I thought cancer + chemo = weight loss. But of course I ended up getting the kind of cancer that usually causes people to gain weight during treatment. And boy did I gain! 40 pounds! Every two weeks they would weight me and I’d gain between 3-7 pounds each time.
That summer, I was a bridesmaid in one of my best friend’s wedding. I had gotten my dress just after my diagnosis. I’d try it on every week to make sure it still fit. Of course, when I tried it on the day before the wedding, the zipper busted open when I had finally wiggled it closed. I was devastated. But I knew there must be some way to fix it, so I ran to the mall and went to the store it was from.
I’m pretty sure I looked totally nuts as I zipped around the women’s dress section. I was able to find the dress, but in the wrong color. Mind you, it was summer, I got winded very easily because of the chemo treatments, I was bloated from the steroids they were giving me, I was upset, and I had a shaved head. As such, I made my way up to customer service and asked the sales lady if they had any more of the dresses. I explained to her that my friend was getting married the next day and I needed a bigger size. She gave me the dirtiest look and a bit of a snippy response that the only dress they had left was the brown one I’d found. I assume she was thinking that I was a weird, bald headed, fat ditz who should have known the dress didn’t fit before now. So, I explained the chemo to her and how I was ballooning up. Let’s just say that her attitude completely changed and she looked a little harder for me.
Situations like this happened all over the place while I was undergoing treatment. Outsiders, family, and friends gave me a free pass to look however I wanted and do whatever I wanted (you better believe I took full advantage). Yet what I learned here compared to how people treated me before was that it is only ok to be my size if you have a good excuse. This is very messed up.
I still haven’t been able to get back down to my comfortable size. Every time someone looks at me or talks about working out in passing, I want to explain to them why I look the way that do. I need to give them an excuse so they don’t think that the way I look is really my fault. They need to understand that I am trying my hardest to be healthy and treat my body well, you just can’t tell.
Now, I think (hope) I’m in a bit of a transition. I have recently moved to Gresham and work with so many fantastic people, I can’t even begin to give enough people enough credit for all they’ve done for me. For this subject though, I have to give some fantastic props to the lovely Annie. She is a co-worker of mine and also the owner of a beautiful shop called Fat Fancy Fashions. In her work, Annie is taking the negative stigma away from “chubby.” It is not something to be ashamed of. There is no reason to want to hide yourself. People of all sizes have value. Skinny doesn’t mean healthy. These are truths that need to be embraced. I haven’t been able to shop at her store yet, but I’ve got a gift certificate I won at our holiday party that I cannot WAIT to redeem. And here’s a link, in case you want to check the store out (which you should): http://www.fatfancyfashions.com/
With my old issues mingling with the fantastic influences I have at work, I had an epiphany. Instead of dieting and working out to lose weight and get smaller, it’s more important to eat right and exercise to be healthy. You may ask what the difference is. To me, it means that I don’t have to go crazy counting calories, weighing myself every week, and beating myself up if I don’t lose what I want, or *gasp* I gain a pound. Instead, I eat what I should and how much I should to be healthy and exercise regularly. I don’t have to care what I weigh if I’m doing all I can to be healthy without driving myself into a downward spiral of numbers and depression. Ta-da! Issues solved and health acquired!
So, going back to the whole “chubby chasers” bit; the way this term is being used is absolutely abhorrent. There is nothing weird or wrong with a person finding someone “chubby” attractive or sexy. There are way too many uninformed people out there putting pressure on others to be something that they’re not; attributing it to laziness and unhealthy living when this is not always the case. Terms like this and comments to people can be extremely damaging and can work in people through their entire lives. Freaking stop it!
