Contentment (Phil. 4:11)

      Second to last time.  Second to last time.  Almost done!  Just one more.  Andrea kept telling herself as she smiled politely at the nurse hooking up her IV.  It was her second to last chemo treatment.  She could hardly believe it was almost over, but it was still hard to think that she would be starting her recovery soon.  Her hair would grow back and she wouldn’t be nauseated and tired all the time.  And still, the one final treatment still seemed like a huge hill to climb.
     “There you go, sweetie.  That vein was pretty easy to find this time.”  The nurse patted her arm lightly with a self satisfied smile.   Andrea found it interesting that the nurses always blamed her when it was hard to find a vein, but they took all the credit themselves when the task ended up being easy.  “We’ll start you on your pre-meds now.”

     “Thank you.”  Andrea called after the nurse who had turned to go to the pharmacy.

     It was time to pop in the movie.  She’d brought one of her favorites, Moulin Rouge.  Andrea had been falling asleep during her last couple treatments so she figured watching something with great music would be kind of soothing if she fell asleep.  A couple treatments ago she’d fallen asleep while watching Psycho.  The music and the creepy voices didn’t really make for good dreams.

     As soon as they hooked her up to the Benadryl, Andrea felt her eye lids get heavy.  She seemed to react to it quicker and quicker each time. 

      Sitting up straighter in the cushy cream colored chair, she turned up the volume of the headphones attached to her tiny T.V. screen.  She wanted to stay awake as long as possible.  It was always discombobulating to wake up in this place. 

     One of her least favorite nurses finally brought over her first bag of treatment.  She’d been there two hours already, and she wanted to get this over with. 

     “Name and date of birth.”  The nurse demanded.  She was the oldest nurse that Andrea had seen in the office.  Instead of being the grandmotherly type that one would hope for in a place like this, this lady was more of a nurse Ratchet.  The nicest she ever got was when she was being condescending.

     “Andrea Quinn, December 23^rd 1982.”  She responded while the old nurse hung the bag of chemo without saying another word and walked away.

     Andrea couldn’t help it; she started to doze off again.  She was pretty good at catching herself when she started to doze.  The motion of her head dropping down to her shoulder or chest usually woke her up.
     This time, it felt like her head had just dipped down when she started to wake up again, but she didn’t hear any of the Moulin Rouge music.  Maybe the movie was already over.  She must have dozed longer that it felt like.

     Andrea opened her eyes to something she couldn’t have even dreamed to expect.  She looked out in front of her to see a meadow filled with purple flowers dancing in the wind.  “What…?” 

     She looked around her.  It was the same thing everywhere, surrounding her.  A meadow encircled by trees.  The noxious smell of chemicals and disinfectant from the chemotherapy room was gone.  In its place was….freesia!  One of Andrea’s favorite scents.

     Looking down at herself, Andrea saw that she was still in the cream colored recliner from the hospital.  The IV was still strapped to her arm; the pole with the solution hanging was connected to it. 

     Bringing her arm up to look at the IV closer, she had an idea.  Without giving it a second thought, Andrea plucked up an edge of the tape holding the needle into her arm and ripped it off as quickly as she could.  It stung for a second, but when Andrea looked down all she could see was a little red area where the adhesive had irritated her skin.  There was no hole, no blood, nothing. 

     Still holding onto the tape, she inspected it.  What she had in her hand was a sticker.  It had a needle painted onto it, and the tube that lead to the pole holding the solution was painted on until it attached to the actual tube.

     Eyes wide, Andrea inhaled deeply and held it for a second.  She wasn’t sure what was going on.  Where was she?  What was she doing here?  How the heck did she get here?

     It took only a second of fear and questions racing through her head before Andrea snapped out of it.  She used the deep breath she was holding to let out a loud, throaty hoot of excitement as she launched herself off of the cream chair and started twirling around the meadow.

     Something else hit her as she spun.  She didn’t feel tired anymore!  She felt like she could run across the entire meadow for days without stopping.  To prove it to herself, she started running.

     Andrea reveled in the warm flowery scent of the meadow.  The smell of pitch from the surrounding trees mixed with the fresh flower scent.  It reminded her of early summer when she was a kid.  She’d lie in the grass of her backyard, looking up at the sky and think about all of the potentials that the summer months held. 

     A bright green grassy spot was ahead of her, and she dove into it so fast that she picked up momentum.  She ended up landing in some of the flowers.  Laughing at herself, Andrea rolled into the grass and looked up at the crystal blue sky.  Taking another deep breath she called out, “Thank you!  Wooo!”

     She wasn’t sure how long she lay there, looking up at the beautiful sky and watching the birds flying around above her.  It seemed like a long time, yet no time at all.  The sun hadn’t moved.  It was at the perfect angle, still bright but not enough to irritate her eyes. 

     Andrea moved to put her hands behind her head and froze.  As soon as her hands were clasped underneath her she felt…was it possible?  Sitting up quickly, she whipped her head around.  It was true! Her hair was back! 

     Her rich auburn, wavy tresses cascaded over her shoulder and down her arm.  It was as long as it had been before she’d started chemo.  How had this happened?

     Looking down at her hair, she noticed that her clothes had changed from what she had been wearing before.  One of the many pairs of sweats she’d been living in for the past 7 months had been replaced by her favorite pair of khaki Bermuda shorts.  Her feet were now covered in the converse shoes that she had hidden in a special spot up in her closet because her toes had become too sensitive to wear them.  The navy blue zip-up that she’d lost when she was a teenager during a football game at school cocooned her like the hug of an old friend.  Andrea couldn’t help but gasp and laugh in delight.

     If she’d missed her change in clothes and the fact that she had hair again, Andrea concluded that she hadn’t been paying enough attention to her surroundings, so she decided to investigate.  As she stood up, she felt a sharp pain in her stomach and heard a gurgle.  It took her a moment to realize that she was hungry.  She hadn’t been hungry in months.  Placing her hand over her stomach, she smiled.  Even though it was uncomfortable, being hungry was quite a treat.  It made her feel human again.

     Andrea looked about and noticed that at one edge of the meadow, there was an open space devoid of trees.  There was something there; she guessed it was a boulder.  It seemed to mark what looked to be the end of the meadow.  She jogged in that direction, enjoying the movement of her legs and the feel of her lungs working. 

     Just a few yards away from her destination, Andrea realized why there weren’t any trees.  This side of the meadow was actually a cliff.  She could hear the roar of water and wondered if there was a waterfall nearby.

     Finally reaching the boulder that was waist high, Andrea hopped onto it to look out in front of her.  She was a little shocked and very pleased to see that beyond her meadow was the ocean.  The water was bright and clear, the breeze cool.  It had been far too long since she’d made a trip to the coast.  She sat on the boulder and watched the waves lapping in and out for a time.

     Another pang and gurgle from her stomach interrupted her reverie.  Regretfully hopping down from her perch on the boulder, Andrea decided that she should at least look around to see if she could find anything suitable to eat. 

     Taking one step to her right, Andrea’s foot caught something.  She looked down to find a tin pail next to the boulder.
     “Interesting.”  She muttered to herself.

     Opening the pail, she found a box of rice crackers, a tin of sardines, and both a small and large container.  Since she’d already snooped that far, Andrea figured it wouldn’t hurt to keep going.  The smaller container was cool to the touch.  When she opened it she saw it housed a cheese spread.  The larger had a note taped to the cylindrical top.  In scrawling, beautiful letters, it read, “Please enjoy.” 

     “I will, thank you.”  Andrea smiled.  Taking off the top, she sniffed the liquid that was inside.  “Green tea.”  She mumbled.  These were all some of her favorite snack foods.

     Taking the pail with its contents, she hopped back up on the boulder and started making little sandwiches with them.  She nibbled on them and drank the tea while she watched the ocean in front of her.  It reminded her of a time when she’d gone horseback riding on the beach with her brother and aunt when they were little.  They’d spend the day racing each other and seeing how far they could go into the surf on the horses before one of them cried uncle.

     A noise to her left made Andrea jump.  She looked over and saw a white horse looking right at her, walking her way.  It looked exactly like a horse she’d had a picture of on her wall as a child.  His mane was long and stringy, a little more yellow than his coat, with flowers and bright green leaves stuck in it.  They looked to be woven in, but it was more likely that he’d walked through some foliage and took parts of them with him.

     Andrea had a few crackers left.  She held one out to him, clicking her tongue.  “Hi boy.”  She coaxed soothingly.  “Want a cracker?”

     His ears twitched to the side and then back at her as he kept walking, getting closer and closer.  When he finally reached her, he quickly ate the cracker held out to him, a bit of spittle running down his chin.  He made a deep whinny as thanks.

     “You’re welcome.”  Andrea said back, reaching her hand out to let him sniff it before she started to pet him.  They were there for a while, snuggling together; Andrea on her boulder, the horse practically laying his head in her lap. 

     At one point, the horse raised his head and moved so that he was blocking Andrea’s view with his back.  “Hey!”  She laughed, trying to sound indignant.  “I can’t see.”

     The horse didn’t move.

     Andrea got an idea.  “If you don’t move soon, I’m going to do something you might not like.”

     Again, he didn’t move.

     “Alright.  You asked for it.”  Andrea stood up on her boulder and moved to slide on the horse’s back.  Usually she would never try something like this, especially right next to a cliff, but this place wasn’t like normal places.  It gave her confidence to do what delighted her.  There was a distinct lack of worry and any form of fear didn’t last long.

     As soon as she was on the back of the horse and had a clump of his mane gripped in each hand, he started moving slowly at first, but gradually getting faster.  They raced around the meadow for a little bit, looping around the cream hospital chair that was still in its spot.  Then, the horse turned and headed into the trees.  They looked dense, but they were able to maneuver their way through the large firs without any difficulties.

            She wasn’t sure where they were going, but she didn’t care.  It wasn’t long before they reached one of the most beautiful things Andrea had ever seen.  The horse was taking her to a dirt path that lead through a thick patch of cherry trees, all bursting full of pink blossoms.  The slight breeze scattered them through the air.

     “Beautiful.”  Andrea breathed.  The horse had slowed down and was walking now.
     As they made their way into the beautiful, nature-made cherry blossom archway, Andrea raised her arms up into the air, face up and smiling, letting the blossoms bounce off of her as they fell lazily to the ground to be picked up again and swirled back into the air.  By the time they reached the end of the pathway, both Andrea and the horse had blossoms scattered all over in their hair.

     They stopped and looked out between the cherry trees to the scene ahead of them.  Lush, healthy grass grew up around a shimmering pond.  A large cluster of rocks on one side hosted a little trickle of a waterfall.  The area was nice and shady from thick willow trees surrounding it, their long boughs swaying in the wind.

     “Lovely isn’t it?”  A gentle voice asked from Andrea’s left.  She jumped a bit in her seat.  For some reason she hadn’t expected to see anyone in whatever place this was.  She was surprised to realize that she was angry to see another person around.  In her mind, she’d claimed this place for herself.

     Peering at him, she saw that he wasn’t much to look at.  A skinny young man with shaggy mouse brown hair that fell over his eyes stood at an unimpressive height surprisingly close to Andrea and the horse.  He wore a nondescript white t-shirt with nondescript jeans, and even more nondescript tennis shoes.  The young man was completely unimpressive, but for some reason just looking at him calmed Andrea’s anger.  It felt very right for him to be there.

     As she continued to stare at him, the young man looked up at Andrea.  Flicking his hair out of his eyes with a shake of his head, he smiled at her.  Meeting her eyes with his unimpressive brown ones, smiling with a mouth full of slightly crooked teeth, she couldn’t help but smile back.

     “Lovely, no?”  He asked again, cocking his head to indicate the pond scene in front of them.

     Andrea looked over at it.  Her eyes stuck to the water, the calm and peacefulness relaxing her even more.  She wanted to go and jump in.  To swim and splash.  “I’d say that’s a good word for it.”

     The young man laughed warmly.  “Hey.”  He said, getting her attention.

     “Yeah?”  Andrea looked down at him and saw a mischievous smile on his face.
     “I’ll race you.”  He said as he took off toward the water.

     “Crap!”  She laughed as she slid off the horse and started running after him.
     He didn’t go very fast, but he had enough of a head start that it seemed there was no way she would win.  That is, until he started taking off his shoes.  His shirt had already gone flying as he ran, but taking off his shoes tripped him up.  He even fell at one point, laughing as he wedged the shoes off his feet.
     That gave Andrea enough time to catch up and even pass him.  She was only a few feet away form the water when she kicked her converse off without any problem, the socks getting caught up in the motion and flying off her feet with them.  Then she ran the last few feet and launched herself into the pond, tucking into a cannonball and making a big splash.
     The water was nice and cold, swirling around her.  It was crystal clear enough that she could see as well as feel the young man when he finally made it into the water.  She was on her way up as he was still diving down. 

     When she broke the surface she took a deep breath and then sank into the water until only the top of her head and her eyes were showing.  It was only a few seconds later when the young man popped up too, laughing and shaking the soaking hair out of his face.  He started to swim over to Andrea.  When he got close enough, she popped the rest of her face out of the water and spit a streaming mouthful right into his face.

     “Really?!”  He asked as he sputtered and used the pond water to wipe off his face.

     “Um, yeah.” Andrea laughed at him.

     This started an epic water fight.  When they were done, Andrea crawled onto the pile of rocks to lay in a bit of sun trickling into the clearing.  The little waterfall trickled next to her.  The young man found his own spot of sun in the grass and stretched out there.

     Andrea soaked up the warm sun while it dried her clothes and hair.  It only felt that she lay there for a few minutes, but she was dry.  It occurred to her that wherever she was in this place didn’t really have a sense of time.  It seemed like she had woken up in the meadow days ago; had sat looking at the ocean for months.

     Thinking of those instances made her remember all the details about them.  She fiddled the blossoms in a lock of her hair as she realized that each event had been the epitome of happiness for her.  One wasn’t better than the next, but each was ultimate and supreme; it couldn’t be topped by anything.  She didn’t long to go back to those places though, it had been enough, satisfying.  It had been perfect.  As now was perfect, and the next moment was going to be perfect too.  It was something she couldn’t wrap her mind around.  Her brow furrowed as she tried to rationalize it.

     “You’re troubled.”  The young man said from his sunny spot.

     Andrea rolled onto her stomach and perched on her forearms to hold herself up so she could look at him.

     “I just don’t understand.”  She said to his sprawled body.

     “Yes you do.”  He told her, not unkindly.

     Andrea stayed as she was for a few minutes thinking about it.  The concept of not longing but still being joyful and full of adventure and hope and even peace was the most foreign idea she could imagine.  She’d always been a bit discontent in any situation, looking to the future or thinking about the joys of the past.  It was one of her greatest flaws.  Whatever “now” she was in was never good enough.  Yet in this place it was.  She had no regrets of anything she could thinking of, and could be content lying in this spot forever.  Or not.  She was just…content.

     “I suppose you’re right.”  She replied.

     The young man laughed again.  “Of course I am.”

     It was some amount of time later, or lack of time, that Andrea felt something on her left big toe.  She looked behind her and saw the white horse who was flopping his lips on her toe.

     “Oh hello horse.”  She said as she climbed up from her position and moved to where her shoes were.  After tying them, she went over to the horse’s side to pet him.

     “Do you need help up?”  The young man said right next to Andrea, startling her again.

     She nodded.  “Thanks.”

     He cupped his hands and bent down so she could step in them and then hoisted her up.  After he did that, the young man walked over to the pile of rocks she’d been laying on.  The horse followed him and stopped in just the right spot for the young man to mount behind Andrea.

     No one said anything as the horse retraced their steps back to the meadow filled with purple flowers.  The day was finally getting darker.  It gave a new hue to everything.  It gave everything an older, timelier feel to the still beautiful landscape.  Like the presence of an elderly family member.  They’d seen so much and learned so much.  They are at the end of their lives, but it isn’t sad or regretful.  They’re still lovely in their worn and pleasant way.

     When they reached the field, the young man slid off the horse and held up his hand to Andrea.  She took it and let him help her dismount.  Their hands stayed clasped as they walked through the meadow.

     The slight crinkling noise underfoot as they walked gave hint to the fact that some of the flowers had started to die and dry out.  With each treading of her foot Andrea could smell the lavender and other flower’s sweet perfume in a ripened, more mature way compared to when she had first arrived.  It was beautiful and comforting to her.

     The length of the field seemed ever expanding, like they’d walked forever but neither had picked up a sweat or felt any blisters on their feet.  Then, in what seemed like a second and yet three lifetimes in the strange way the world here worked, Andrea and the young man were standing in front of the cream hospital chair.

     The young man turned to Andrea, grabbing her other hand in his free one and gently helped her down into the chair.  As soon as she touched it, Andrea could feel her fatigue seeping back into her body.  It felt nice to rest in such a comfortable chair.

     The young man reached to the side and caught the tube of her IV, tracing it down to the sticker.  He placed the sticker gently on her arm, back over the area that was still a bit red from the adhesive before.

     Then he kneeled down in front of her.  Looking into her eyes intently, he leaned forward, cupping her face in his hand, holding her hand in his other.  Just a breath away from her face he stopped and said, “You understand.”

     Bracing herself to move despite her sudden fatigue, she was able to manage a small nod and breathed the word, “yes.”

     The young man smiled his warm smile at her again and leaned in further, kissing her gently but firmly on the forehead.  He moved away slowly, rubbing her cheek with his thumb in comfort as he moved.

     Andrea couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer.  A faint headache had started and was increasing by the second.  Her last image of the young man was his blurry smile as he knelt in front of her, still holding her hand.  His smile stayed in her mind as she sunk deeper into her medicated sleep and her nostrils were assailed by the smell of chemicals and disinfectants.